Station I - Condemnation I aborted myself long before I aborted my baby when I stepped outside of my failing marriage. No one is judging me. I alone am the judge and my judgment is condemnation. No one stands beside me. I stand alone. It is I Lord, who have forsaken your law.
Station II - Taking Up My Cross I feel the weight of my sin. I suffer in silence. So one shares my shame.This invisible cross crushes me.
Station III - Falling I now fail at every moral test. I am drowning in shame, regret, disgrace, tears, and alcohol. I am worthless so it matters not what ways I abuse this body.
Station IV - Meeting My Mom You are the perfect Mom and I have failed miserably. You want me to get an annulment. Even though my heart is not in it, I just do it for you. Thank you Mom, because when God brought me Hank, we were able to marry in the church. Before the blessing of Hank, I shy away from Church. Too disgraced and ashamed to let Jesus see me in His Father's house.
Station V - Help Is Offered I need help badly. I am so bad. I've lost my self-respect, my God, my integrity, my sobriety. Where can I go? I cannot keep doing this. I am so alone. There is a nun from a support group I go to. She say's, "If you need to be mad, be mad at the Church. don't be mad at God." I start going back to Church.
Station VI I start tentatively reaching out to God - teach CCD, get to personally know a priest. On the outside, I appear to be OK. But when I wipe my own face in the privacy of my home, all I see is the sin - the image of a woman who turned her back on her baby.
Station VII - Falling Again Another affair. I honor no one's marriage because there was no honor in my own marriage. The wall around my shattered heart is hardening.
Station VIII - Other Women Jesus said, "Cry for your children." I cry at the sight of women with their beautiful, precious babies. I can only experience hurt and pain at their sight. Jealousy and envy are not options for a sinner like me.
Station IX - Still Falling Back at church now, pretending that I feel forgiven.Attending a retreat-singing songs of worship, trying desperately to speak in tongues, wanting to feel worthy of this gift. I can't do it with Satan whispering, then screaming, in my ear that my soul is black. I run from the church in tears.
Station X - Stripped (At the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat Weekend) I'm at the end of my strength. I cannot shoulder the weight of the sorrow and disgrace another step. I strip myself of the deceit.I confess to the Priest. I tell the Group Leader my story. I do feel Forgiven and Set Free. I bare it all at Rachel's Vineyard.I am naked before Jesus in my sin-fulness. No more pretending, no more facades.
Station XI - Crucified I stretch out my arms and beg for the forgiveness of my Savior. "See my wounds, Lord, and have pity on me, a sinner."
Station XII - Die I must let the sin die or perish. My Savior has forgiven me and, for the first time, I believe it. When my heart was wrapped in the healing band, Jesus began to heal the pain. Thank you, Jesus, for helping me give up my rock.
Station XIII - Taken Down Being released from the cross of shame, disgrace, and self-hatred, I lie limp after the Rachel's Vineyard retreat. It is such a relief to not be nailed to living a life in which I cannot look on the face of Jesus. Thank you for your love, Jesus, and for sending me help.
Station XIV - Buried What is buried? A lot of the pain, belief that I am a monster, my failure to understand God's mercy. Regret, of course, remains. But, at the end of my life, when I am buried, through God's unimaginable mercy, I will be able to meet my little girl. That will be a joyous day for me.